The Knicks, AKA the Group of Old Dudes at the Park

By Stephen Caronia

 

The New York Knicks, recent nasty loss to Houston notwithstanding, have looked better than they have in years to open this season.  Call it a rejuvenated Carmelo Anthony and J.R. Smith or a newfound commitment to defense, but I think it’s because the Knicks have made some savvy moves this offseason to assemble a crew of role players that are actually the team of old guys at the playground that are almost impossible to beat.  You know who I’m talking about – you and your boys roll up and call next only to find, cemented on the court for hours straight, a team comprised of salt and pepper haired dads and uncles.  You are sure, with your new-fangled ideas about athleticism, crab-dribbles, and euro steps, that you and your young mates will run circles around these AARP collecting goons.  Fifteen minutes later, there you are on the sidelines again.  Glen Grunwald has clearly experienced this, and built his team in that mold.  Here’s the breakdown of why it works.

Name: The Awkward Handle

Knicks Counterpart – Pablo Prigioni

Claim to Fame: This is the guy who looks like he just picked up a basketball for the first time 10 minutes ago.  He slaps the ball at the ground and has no ability to move laterally whatsoever.  But he never shows the ball and never turns it over.  Every time you think you can slide in and snatch the ball, he spins away and finds the open man for a score.  Occasionally, he will take an equally awkward driving layup that looks like the ball is covered in olive oil.  That he never misses.  Ever.

Your reaction on the court: Yelling FUCK at the top of your lungs and casting confused glances at your angry teammates.

Your reaction watching the Knicks: If I would have practiced a little more, you’re telling me I couldn’t be that guy right now?

 

Name: The Immovable Object

Knicks Counterpart – Kurt Thomas

Claim to Fame – Probably working as a steamfitter for the last 25 years, this guy has developed oak-like man strength that makes him impossible to box out.  Without jumping, he grabs rebounds like Moses Malone.  He hardly ever shoots, except when you eventually fall to the ground from severe exhaustion leaving him unguarded.  If your job is to play the post, he will invariably be guarding you as he never leaves the 5 foot radius around the basket.  Let the bruising begin.

Your reaction on the Court: Rest, ice, compression, elevation.

Your reaction watching the Knicks: Wow, Kurt Thomas is still in the league?

 

Name: The Orchestrator

Knicks Counterpart: Jason Kidd

Claim to Fame: This guy just seems to know exactly where to be, where his teammates should be, where you should be, and where the ball should be.  He talks to everyone on both ends.  He hits just about every open shot, and all of his shots are open, by the way. 

Your reaction on the court: Watch and learn.

Your reaction watching the Knicks: If Jason Kidd knew how to shoot like this all along he would have been completely unstoppable.

 

Name: The Terrifier

Knicks Counterpart: Rasheed Wallace

Claim to Fame: After a few minutes, you learn to steer clear of this guy.  He’s huge and wears a scowl on his face the entire game.  He talks trash, but in ominous, veiled threats.  He’ll say something like “You better watch those elbows” when you are certain you didn’t do anything with your elbows, leaving you with no other option than to pin your elbows to your sides for the remainder of the game out of self-preservation.  He calls a ton of fouls when you touch him, saying “Ohhhh, I get it ,that’s how this game is gonna be!” He disputes every single out of bounds call, and you end up shooting 10 free throws as he yells “Ball don’t lie!”

Your reaction on the court: Pleading with your friend to take over guarding him.

Your reaction to watching the Knicks: I think I may have actually played against an incognito Rasheed Wallace.

My general reaction to watching the Knicks this year: They look good, but I still wish they had this team in 2005.

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