As evidenced by this weeks crapstorm, the Baseball Hall of Fame is in serious need of a revamping. Between the Old Dudes who don’t get, the Young Dudes— Oh come on, who are we kidding, what young dudes?!
The biggest issue for the Hall of Fame is what constitutes as a Hall of Fame Career.
With the offensive numbers being rethought, is 3,000 hits, or 500 homers a guarantee?
Is it the Hall of Fame (Babe Ruth) or the Hall of Really Good For A Really Long Time (Craig Biggio…eventually)
At what point does the Eye Test give way to Advanced Metrics?
And can advanced metrics really replace the Eye Test?
I mean if you’re not a Hall of Famer the first 14 times you’re eligible…
So the way to fix the Hall of Fame, and I mean EVERY SINGLE Hall of Fame is to create an actual set of rules to define a Hall of Fame Career.
HOW TO DEFINE A HALL OF FAME CAREER
1. Did you ever have your own video game franchise or were a cover athlete on a Video Game?
If you had your own video game franchise then it stands to reason that you were famous and awesome. Since it takes a long time to make a game and get the legalities of licensing done, you are probably famous and awesome for some time.
As individual athletes are not getting their own franchises anymore, the cover athlete is the new gauge. While it can only one per sport game, it’s a good bet to say that if you were the cover athlete then you were a combination of great and famous for a season. The downside to this is, as it’s a one season thing and they rotate cover athletes you have the opportunity to get a “Peyton Hillis” and not a “Peyton Manning.”
This Game Is Awesome. Also, Hall of Famer.
In: Derek Jeter, Frank Thomas, Tony Parker, Charles Barkeley,
Out: Hillis, Craig Biggio, Larry Johnson
2. Did friends make rules about not playing as you in a Video Game?
A much forgotten video game, NFL FEVER 2003 got played a lot in my dorm room. It had a few elements that Madden eventually stole. But the biggest thing about it was that Marshall Faulk was un-freaking-stoppable. To the point where it stopped being fun to play against the Rams. So Paul and I made a rule, either no one could be the Rams, or we both could be. And so it came to be that nearly every game played in that Dorm Room was Rams vs. Rams.
And let’s not forget that Michael Vick changed an entire video game franchise by being incredible.
In: Bo Jackson, Michael Vick, Marhsall Faulk, Manny Ramirez, Scottie Pippen (NBA Jam), Shaquille O’Neal, Tim Wakefield
Out: Craig Biggio, Toni Kucoc, Vince Young
3. Would someone reset a draft because the computer took you early?
If you play Madden and claim that you never reset a franchise draft because you got a bad pick, you are a filthy liar.
In: Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, Wayne Gretzky, Sidney Crosby,
Out: Any kicker ever
4. Is your rookie card worth a sum of money greater then $1.00 prior to your election?
It’s pretty simple business. If you are great then your card has value.
If your rookie card is on EBay and it’s going for 30 cents, you’re not a hall of famer.
If your rookie card was ever part of a give-away on HSN, you’re not a Hall of Famer.
Graded. Asking 1,500.
My favorite player of all time. Asking 50 cents. He’s not getting it.
5. Were you ever absolved of a crime, that if you weren’t so good, would have gotten you fired from any other job?
One day we’ll have to explain to our alien overlords that while laws were very important, if it somehow interfered with football, baseball, basketball or the college versions of those sports, we would generally let it slide.
If you ran a gun, drug, crime, murder ring and got away with it, you might be a hall of famer.
Because as a society we find rape disgusting and abhorrent, unless of course there’s a big game in which case it wasn’t actually rape, but a Sherriff that hates my school trying to get over.
In: OJ Simpson, Jameis Winston, Ty Cobb
Out: Sam Hurd, Lenny Dykstra, Elijah Dukes, Rafael Palmeiro
6. Do people ask your opinion on sports even though you are babbling moron/horrible person/there is no possible way you can explain your greatness to others?
Listen for reason, people seem to think that they can ask Magic Johnson what Iman Shumpert should do in certain situations. Ever the showman you’ll get a good answer about the game. But the fact is, there is nothing, NOTHING that Magic Johnson, Larry Bird, Michael Jordan, Derek Jeter, Ken Griffey Jr can tell a reporter or another athlete.
Is their answer supposed to be “Well in that situation you should just see four moves ahead and let time slow down.”
Because that’s the only thing they can actually say!
The Babbling idiot part doesn’t really come into baseball as there are so many voices that they don’t need ex players, but football? Sweet Baby Jesus!
Most importantly, you can NOT be a TV guy because of your “dedication”, “Hustle”, or “work ethic.” Those are all code words for “not that great”, which is WHY you make a great TV guy.
In: Emmitt Smith, Shaq,
Out: John Kruk, Joe Girardi, Ron Darling
7. What is your Hotient?
This is essentially the Derek Jeter Wing of the Hall Of Fame.
Famous women love famous athletes. And you can tell a Hall of Fame Career by the ladies he’s been with.
Derek Jeter dated Mariah Carey, when Mariah Carey was still hot, and she may not even be in the top ten of the girls he’s been with.
A-Rod has Kate Hudson and Madonna (Two Golden Globes and an Oscar nominee)
Tony Parker had Eva Longoria.
That’s hall of fame trim for Hall of Fame athletes.
Lamar Odom has the one Kardashian that looked like she drank from the wrong cup of Christ.
Pictured: Khloe Kardashian?
So if you tally the length of your career by the sheer amount of crazy hot women you are with you come up with your Ho Quotient or y0ur “Hotient!”
In: Derek Jeter, A-Rod, Wayne Gretzky, Tom Brady
Out: Lamar Odom, Tony Romo
8. Were you in a movie, either as yourself or named after a deity?
Ty Cobb was the first athlete to star in movie. He was the greatest to ever play ball. It was all downhill from there.
Yeah Barry, your hat size is the same…
In: Barry Bonds, Ken Griffey Jr, Ray Allen
Out: Kevin Elster, Gary Payton
9. Did you do a shitty local commercial?
Adam Graves was a great hockey player. When he helped the Rangers win the Stanley Cup the sky was the limit. So what did he do?
Somehow its WORSE in my memory
If you are so good at what you do, that local business will give you a free car just so you can use your celebrite to hock their product, your a Hall of Famer. If the local business will go nearly broke just to have you, your a Hall of Famer.
And if you are fucking awful in it, to the point where there is no acting coach in the world that could save, that a wooden plank at Lowe’s has more range, that it makes no sense because you’re rich and why the hell would you go to Brooklyn to buy a Volvo…You might just be a Hall of Famer
In: Adam Graves,
Out: Peyton Manning (he’s national)
10. Did People actually give a shit about you?
This really is the argument against the Advanced Metrics crowd. Because you can tell me about VORP and Park Adjusted Defense Accumulated Swing and Miss Ration. You can go on and on about WAR and what it is good for (absolutely nothing). But the fact remains, no matter how high Craig Biggio’s WAR was, no matter how low Jack Morris’s Innings adjusted, League Inflated, Time Differentialed ERA was, no one, absolutely no one, outside of the women that birthed those guys, gave a shit about them.
Nobody ever said, “Get in the car son, we’ve gotta go see Biggio hit a double!” or “Jack Morris is in town? Well GOOLLLLEEEEY! We’ve gotta see him give up 4 runs in 7 innings before we die!”
And somehow, despite managing 3,000 hits, 500 homeruns and one congressional lie, Rafael Palmiero is a guy that no one, ever, at any time, truly gave two shits about. That’s impressive. And That means you’re NOT a hall of Famer, Rafael.
In: Derek Jeter, Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, Mike Piazza
Out: Craig Biggio, Jack Morris, Tim Raines, Rafael Palmeiro
And That’s the point. Craig Biggio is going to be a Hall Of Famer – FAME – despite not having FAME. We need to redefine what the word FAME means, or what the Hall is about. Greatness? or Goodness?
But if you look up my rules, and you can do well by them, You are absolutely a Hall of Famer!