The Improved Islanders and Why Evegeni Nabokov Would Be a Great Porn Star

By: Greg “All-City” Vitucci

I recently took the short yet disgusting journey to Nassau County to view the Islanders at “Fort Never lose” or the toilet boil known as the Coliseum. While Shea Stadium had the “Our Dump” feel to it, the Nassau Coliseum is just a dump. Keep in mind, this is me being fond and nostalgic about the building in which I graduated from college.

How could the New York Dragons play in such a drab building?

Though recently the Islanders have been a doormat for the Atlantic Division and the Eastern Conference this current team has plenty of talent and is knocking at the doorstep of the playoffs. I thought I would put on my objective journalist hat and take an honest look at the franchise that will soon occupy my borough.

In previous articles I may or may not have “shit” on the Islanders, but I’ll give credit where credit is due. John Tavares is one of the 10 best players in the world, there I said it. If he were on a big market team, (Yes, I know the Islanders are from New York but they aren’t a New York City team) John Tavares would be one of the biggest names in hockey with Crosby, Ovechkin and Stamkos. When he gets to Brooklyn, his stock is going to s-k-y r-o-c-k-e-t. Is it possible to invest in a person? If I make a monetary gain, would that make it slavery? Hmmm…

One of Tavares’ line mates is Matt Moulson. Who got a cup of coffee, a can of beer, in the NHL with Los Angeles but was sent back to the AHL in the 2008-2009 season. Since coming to the Islanders in 2009-2010 season he has been a consistent 30 goal scorer and played EVERY GAME.  That right, in the ’10, ’11, ’12 seasons he played all 82 games, Gary Bettman’s hemorrhoids keep him from attending 82 games a season (ED. NOTE – We don’t know for sure if Mr. Bettman has hemorrhoids).  His resilience is obvious and his offensive numbers are growing. Raising his goals and assists total each of the last three seasons, Moulson netted 36 goals last year to go with 33 helpers.

Their other line mate is Brad Boyes who signed a 1 million dollar 1 year deal with the Islanders in July. He had two excellent years with St. Louis scoring 43 and 33 goals in consecutive seasons, but hasn’t netted more than 15 since. He’s a steady, crafty, cunning, shrewd, astute, wily, solid, other cliché term, and cheap veteran.

Mark Streit captain of the Islanders is one of the most popular players ever in Switzerland. He was a star in the Swiss Nationalliga (league) since breaking in as an 18 year old in 1996. He is the captain of the Swiss national team. He was on the cover of the Swiss version of the NHL video game series three straight years. Even with all these accomplishments and merit he wasn’t drafted into the NHL until he was 26, by Montreal. Two years with the Habs, and Streit was emerging as an elite defenseman having 62 points in 2008. After that big season he signed a contract worth $20.5 million for 5 years with the Islanders. He was named captain in 2011, become the first Swiss born captain in the NHL. He blossomed late in his career and it has worked out excellently for the Islanders. Streit is a serious presence on the blue line and has established himself as an elite leader.

Evegeni Nabokov was an anchor of the San Jose Sharks that were a perpetual playoff team throughout the 2000’s. Nabokov was initially disgruntled after being claimed off waivers by the Islanders in January 2011, but by the start of the 2011-2012 season he was the starting goaltender. But let’s face is; he is 37 and has a ton of mileage on those legs.

Through last season Nabokov had 39,693 regular season and playoff minutes combined. In comparison the average porn star only spends 31,200 minutes on her knees.  (The average porn career is like 5 years; 120 minutes a scene x 52 scenes a year x 5 years= 31,200). So basically Nabokov is a dirty filthy stretched out slut. He’s found his new niche in the Islanders (MILF porn) but we all know it’s a fading lifestyle. He started the season playing out of his mind good, but since has come back down to earth.  Nabokov definitely has a few good scenes, I mean, years left in him, but isn’t a long term solution.

Slut

This is a team that could qualify for the playoffs in this strike shortened season. There is a 5 point difference between fifth place and eleventh place in the eastern conference, with the Islanders currently occupying the tenth spot. If they get hot down the stretch a playoff run in inevitable. But again let’s face it; they’re the Islanders, they’re stupid and they won’t make the playoffs.

Guess my objective journalist hat fell off.

 
Share

To Contact Greg, or any AFRSports Columnist, please E-Mail: Contact@AFRSports.com

Comments

comments