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Dinosaur Face v. The Pointless Franchise

Dinosaur Face v. The Pointless Franchise

By: Greg Vitucci

The Florida Panthers are not very good. Actually they are really, really abominable. They have only won five games, and have given up 23 more goals than they have scored. For those readers that may not understand the scoring in hockey; you do in fact need to score MORE goals than your opponent to win games.  The 65 goals they have given up this year are the most in the league. So the Boston Bruins did what good teams should do and smacked around the “struggling” Florida Panthers.

Milan Lucic of the Boston Bruins started the scoring in this pathetic contest at the 7:57 mark of the first period. Receiving the puck off of a faceoff at the right circle, Lucic buried a wrist shot over the catching glove of Panther’s goalie Jacob Markstrom. Markstrom looked like Mr. Magoo, having no idea where the puck was off the face-off. The puck was behind Magoo, ugh Markstrom, quicker than it would take to snap commissioner Bettman’s neck. (Ed. Note: It wasn’t that fast GodDamnit!)

Milan Lucic is another one of those guys of whom I am not a big fan. This rant isn’t nearly as irrational as my previous one about Sidney “Tissue Paper Brain” Crosby. Lucic is a dirty filthy player, who amassed 135 penalty minutes last season. In comparison the voted “Dirtiest player in the league” Matt Cooke of Pittsburgh only had 44 penalty minutes. He’s so dirty; a trail of filth follows him around the ice like Pig Pen, from Peanuts. One example of Lucic’s underhanded tactics was when he went high on a hit at Buffalo goalie Ryan Miller. Miller rose to great popularity after his success in the 2010 Winter Olympics, helping team USA win a silver medal.  Meanwhile Lucic was cut from team Canada. A petty move from a jealous athlete.

Lucic once sucker punched Freddy Meyer of the then Atlanta Thrashers after the referees already had the incident under control. He literally gave him the, “Bouncer punch.” Meyer is being restrained by the officials, like a bouncer breaking up a bar fight, when scum fuck Lucic cold cocks him in the side of the face.

In the game on Sunday, Lucic retaliates from a clean hit by Mike Weaver, with a violent cross -check followed by a mauling.

And the baby dinosaur looking bastard Lucic, receives the 10 minute misconduct he deserves. Really though, Lucic is physically hideous, and resembles a baby dinosaur. This affliction also affects Brook Lopez of the Brooklyn Nets. (Assumedly also the other Lopez brother, who plays for… Phoenix? New Orleans)

One of these four is a lizard, but darned if I can tell which one.

Zdeno Chara’s goal was by far the highlight of this game. At 13:52 into the game, the big man receives the puck in stride coming over the blue line. In one enormous spin move Chara is now at the top of the left circle and with a few stick moves nails a back-hander into the top corner of the net. At 6 foot, 9 inches you would expect Chara to be a stiff, pre-oil canned Tin Man. On this play though, the biggest man in the history of the NHL looked like a graceful dove swooping in to poop on Markstrom’s freshly washed car.

Tomas Kopecky of the Panthers made it 2-1 with about four and a half minutes remaining in the first. Picking up a piece of loose change in front of the net, Kopecky beats a sprawling Tuukka Rask to give Panthers fan’s something to cheer about. This was the pinnacle of offense for the Panthers. All 16 fans in attendance gave a thunderous round of applause for their home town team.

Boston’s Chris Kelly scores what might be the luckiest goal ever 2:30 into the second period to make it 3-1. On a power play rush Daniel Paille flubs a slap shot attempt and the puck dances through Weaver’s legs and finds Kelly with plenty of net to aim for. Paille would tack on a short-handed empty net goal making it 4-1 with 1:07 remaining in the game.

Boston hasn’t skipped a beat with the retirement/sabbatical/trade of ultra republican goalie Tim Thomas.  I think for sure the Bruins will overtake the surprisingly strong starting Montreal Canadiens and win the northeast conference. Florida however should probably stop being a hockey franchise altogether. The Tampa Bay Lightening is more than enough hockey for the state of Florida. I sincerely and regretfully do not anticipate, “Sunrise Florida” to be a hot bed of hockey activity anytime soon.




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