The Death Of Cool

By: Carlo Rivieccio

Over the past decade or so a very interesting thing has taken place in the NBA.  As stars like Lebron James and Kevin Durant rise and Kobe Bryant slowly walks into the sunset, there is something tangible that is missing.  Something that, for all their marketability and international stardom, is paramount to true basketball immortality.  Something that Jordan had.  Something that Magic had.  Barkley had it.  Bird had it.  Isiah Thomas, and the Boy Boy Pistons has loads of it.  Going to the generation before that The Iceman George Gervin Had it and Dr J defined it.  The “It” to what I am referring to is Cool.  The NBA has lost “Cool.”  Kobe Bryant, LeBron James, Kevin Garnett and Kevin Durant may be stars.  They may be (or will be) some of the greatest to ever play the game, they may have a global reach that David Stern only dreamed of years ago, they may even have the best names of any group of millionaires but they are not Cool.  Not at all.  Kobe Bryant, Kevin Durant and Lebron James are Fucking Lame.

This is not knocking any of their talent.  These guys are phenomenal.  But God almighty can they just cut it out.  They are trying too hard.  And you can’t argue that it’s just a corporate thing because Jordan sold everything.  Barkely was in tons of commercials too.  They both hosted SNL when it was funny and relevant.  They were Plenty corporate themselves.

Nicknames

Jordan was Air.  Barkely was Sir.  Robinson was The Admiral.  Great nicknames because they described the person in some way.  Jordan flew, Barkley demanded respect and Robinson was in the Navy.  They earned it.

Kobe Bryant is the “Black Mamba.”  A deadly snake.  A snake that can strike quickly and with deadly accuracy.  This is ridiculous.  What’s worse, and completely unforgivable for the writers who actually refer to him by this name is that he gave that nickname to himself.  This is a rule that you learn in gradeschool.  YOU CAN NOT GIVE YOURSELF YOUR OWN NICKNAME.  Friends give it to you.  Fans give it you.  Maybe enemies give it to you.  But not YOU!  Now Kobe did not hold a presser and say “Please call Black Mamba from now on, schmucks!” but he compared himself to a Mamba.  In detail.  And made it clear thathe was the Black Mamba.  Essentially begging to be called it.

Off of Kobe.  The trend seems to be laziness.  Nicknames are often one initial and part of the last name.  D-Wade, C-Webb, J-Kidd, T-Mac.  It just sucks.  Worse is just initials.  Not because it’s lazy, which it is, but because how do you decide who is what?

LT is Lawrence Taylor.  If you think LaDainian Tomlinson gets to be LT you’re wrong.

Lebron James recently tried to give himself a nickname.  When asked about his opinions of the Jordan comparisons, he said ” I’m not MJ, I’m LJ.”  But LJ is Larry Johnson.  Now Lebron is way better than Grandmama but Johnson has 20 years of being called that in the NBA.  You can’t just take that.  Also, YOU CAN’T GIVE YOURSELF A NICKNAME.

Kevin Durant is the Durantula.  That’s not too bad.  Now if he ever tries to kill John Goodman when Westbrook is ball hogging, then of course that would make this the greatest name of all time.

Actions

Well we can’t go by names alone.  How do they carry themselves?

Kobe Bryant hisses when he wants the ball.  Kobe Bryant hisses.  Like a snake.  HE FUCKING HISSES LIKE A GODDAMN FUCKING SNAKE WHEN HE WANTS THE BALL.  Did Magic Johnson scream “PRESTO-CHANGO”?  Did Jordan blow out very hard when he was in a good position to post someone up?  Did David Robinson sing “In The Navy?” NO.    Do you know what would happen if the CEO of McDonalds sang “I’m lovin’ It” every time he scheduled a meeting, he’d be homeless.  And rightfully so.  Because it would be completely absurd for a grown millionaire to do that.  But Kobe thinks it’s intimidating.  And cool.  And he’s being laughed at.

LeBron has the whole powder in the air bit.  Here’s a NBA Films blowjob documentary about it.

First of all, the only time powder should ever be thrown into the air is if Mr. Fuji is helping you become Tag Team Champion.

Cooler Than Lebron!     Credit WWE

Second, it’s just so contrived.  Hey, I’m Lebron James, I want attention.  I am putting way to much talc in my hands.  I know what I’ll do!  I’ll throw it in the air!  If CM Punk did that he would get booed out of every arena.

This seems to be what’s going on.  These guys are trying to be cool.  They are trying to create some lasting image.  But you can’t do that.  Do you know why Walt Frazier was the man.  It’s because he lived cool every day.

If women read this site, at least one of them just got pregnant

And being that cool then let’s you get to be this cool now.

On anyone else this would be gauche.

Which brings us to:

Dress

You can’t touch Frazier.  But you can try to look like an adult.

Ugh.

Mr. Durant you are the face of your franchise, one of the best scorers of your generation and perennial All-Star.  Please stop addressing the audience like you just got back from Mrs. D’Allessio’s class K-219.

Legacy

The best way to know who has their fingers on the pulse of what is cool is by seeing who isn’t following trends.  Above we see three young Bajillionaires dressing like unbearable hipsters from Williamsburg.  Where irony reigns supreme.  Irony isn’t cool.  And that’s the point.

I have had the good fortune of being able to assistant coach youth basketball.  You know what the kid’s do?  Wag their tongues out like Jordan.  They don’t throw powder.  And even the ones with backpacks wear them off of one shoulder.  You know, the cool way.

The argument will be made that Nerd is the new cool.  Malarkey.  Nerd is acceptable.  Cool is cool.  We’ve just lost cool.

To Contact Carlo, or any AFRSports Columnist, please E-mail: Contact@AFRSports.com

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