Following The Fantasy With All City Greg

All the pomp and circumstance of, “Opening Day and Night” has fizzled out and all that remains is glorious baseball. Week one was especially glorious for me as I was victorious in my fantasy matchup, defeating, “Slim Charles’ Dreads.” Though I love the reference to, The Wire in my opponent’s team name I would show no mercy. My team, “Stop! Hammels Time” would roll to hard fought 6-3-1 victory. Those little electronic representations of actually athletes worked their little electronic balls off this week.

Before the week even started I made some roster moves. I moved Chase Headley and David Ortiz to the disabled list, and picked up Kevin Youkilis and Bobby Parnell. Parnell is the Mets closer for now so I’ll ride him until Frank Francisco returns. Ideally I’ll pawn Parnell off on someone a few weeks before Francisco returns.  Though he now looks like a shaved Captain Caveman, Youk rewarded me with a huge week, hitting over .400 with four runs scored and four runs batted in. His numbers last season were down from a cantankerous relationship with Manager (drunkard) (EDITORS NOTE – Alleged?) Bobby Valentine, before being shipped to the White Sox.  From all reports Youk is transitioning seamlessly into the Yankees clubhouse and has the potential to have a great year. Just a few seasons ago he finished third and then sixth for the American League MVP. I think this is going to be a monster pick-up, not like Cookie Monster big, like Godzilla crushing Tokyo big.

 

 

Also, I cut now useless setup man Jonathon Broxton. Set up men are about as useful in fantasy baseball as Sports-lo’s penis is with a woman.  (EDITORS NOTE – Untrue.  Set Up men occasionally pitch and don’t run away screaming from women) I added the Padres’ Edinson Volquez, which for a spot start wasn’t the most strategic of moves.  Volquez was facing the Mets on opening day, and the Mets always win opening day. I however forgot this matchup anomaly while I was making roster moves on my cell phone, on Easter, during intermission of the show I was attending.  Volquez indeed get smacked around are blew up my ERA.

As you can see I was victorious in every offensive category except for stolen bases, which I was grossly outscored 9-1. The only SB I had this week was from Jason Heyward.  It takes a few weeks for base stealers to get their timing down so I expect more consistency from Angel Pagan and Alex Gordon in weeks to come. But hell, if I win the other four offensive categories each week, screw stolen bases, nobody gives a shit about them in the American League anyway.

On the pitchers side we tied for wins, and I was defeated in both ERA and WHIP. ERA at 4.47 is a ridiculously high number, created by Volquez getting shelled for four innings and Kuroda giving up runs while only pitching into the second inning and leaving due to injury. Kuroda the fool put his pitching hand in front of a come-backer. I’ll never understand why pitchers do that. I know it’s instinct but at this level you could have trained yourself not to put your delicate pitching hand in front of an object moving like 95 mph. Your hand and arm is literally your money maker!  You don’t see porn stars working naked with wood chippers, you don’t hear about fighter pilots staring into the sun until they burn out their retinas.

Slim Charles had a great weekly ERA with 2.70 getting solid performances from Gio Gonzalez, Jason Vargas, and Matt Moore. His closers, Joel Hanranhan scraped together two measly saves and John Axford looks like he is going to be replaced as Brewers closer. Looks like Slim Charles is going to have to make some moves for bullpen help or its going to get late early in Baltimore.

My next opponent is #42Forever, let us say his name is… Jackie.  Jackie isn’t black or from Brooklyn (EDITORS NOTE – Neither are the METS, but that didn’t stop them from giving Jackie Robinson a rotunda), so I don’t quite understand the team name. Maybe he worked on the film currently in theaters of the same title and I am unaware.   But I’m a Mets fan with a Phillies pitcher who isn’t even on my team in my team name, so what do I know.

 

Follow me on Twitter @GregVitucci
Share  Tweet

To Contact Greg, or any AFR columnist, please E-Mail: Contact@AFRSports.com

Comments

comments