Counting your chickens before they hatch isn’t the timeliest of statements, but it one million percent applies to my week 5 fantasy matchup. For almost 7 days I was gloating and mentally decorating my throne because you see I was up 10-0 over Harold’s Frieballz… most of the week. Doing the math and figuring out who would be my immediate underlings in the standings. Also for most of the week I was oblivious to the fact that another matchup was going to end 10-0. Gee with BeastmodeBar10der (who beat me the previous week) was mopping the floor with Travis’ I’mBackUKnowIt (this week’s opposition.) Long story short, though I won 9-1 somehow I DROPPED to third place by half a game.
As usual the category that would be a defeat and would eradicate my shutout was stolen bases. Jason Segura alone couldn’t steal me the category. However every other category was an ass whooping that would have made Stone Cold Steve Austin proud. Picture him and I standing victoriously over Harold, toasting a beer, before he gives me a stunner (that I totally oversell) just because he’s the rattlesnake.
Max Scherzer was a stud this week, donating two wins and 18 strikeouts to the cause. Kershaw and Dempster didn’t produce any wins but had ERAs of 1.50 or lower. Newcomer Brian Cashner of The Padres didn’t fare well in his debut giving up 4 earned runs and going just 4 innings against the AAA team that is the Chicago Cubbies. He’ll get one more chance to stay in the fantasy majors. And as always Ryan Vogelsong has been a disappointment and I still haven’t replaced him. I swear ill cut the cord this week.
My bullpen however would keep chugging along, getting wins out of Parnell and Perez because their teams (Mets and Indians) stink and save situations aren’t plentiful. Mujica saves are coming in bunches like bananas or… um, other things that come in bunches. He completed another 4 successful attempts this week, giving him 8 on the season. Mariano, well he’s Mariano and more predictable than fat girls at last call. (Editors Note: Though predictable no one has ever hid Mariano Rivera from his friends)
Allen Craig has found his stroke, everyone watch the fuck out. The Cardinals first baseman has struggled a bit this season, considering he was one of the highest rated first baseman preseason. From April 29th to May 5th he raised his average 19 points with 3 multi-hit games including his first homerun of the season. Former Cardinals’ first baseman Albert Pujols was active early in the week and I benefitted from his 3 home runs, but benched later in the week as he missed a few games and slumped with foot injuries. Weird and annoying to think that first round draft pick Albert Pujols is ridding the bench for the time being.
Nobody (except me of course) (ED: And Jim Derochea) in the world thought David Ortiz would start and stay as hot as he has been. When the week concluded on the fifth of May, Papi was hitting .440. I certainly don’t expect him to hit at that pace forever, but he’s not too shabby a replacement for Fat Albert in the 1B slot. With Papi in the field the utility (DH) position opens, and it allows me to play both my star third baseman, Chase Headley and Adrian Beltre. Headley told the Padres to shove their contract offers up their asses until the end of the season and is officially in a contract year. Next stop, the Bronx?
A.J. Pierzynski has been in and out of the lineup with a strain right oblique. While I didn’t need to replace him while extinguishing Fireballz; not getting any at bats from that spot in the future is a real problem. Russell Martin of the Pirates, Braves’ Evan Gattis (also playing OF and 1B with McCann returning) and Toronto’s J.P. Arencibia are top candidates on the waiver wire if Pierzynski’s discomfort continues.
With J.J. Putz blowing up, landing on the disabled list and requiring “major elbow surgery” there is a race to be the Arizona Diamondbacks’ closer. The not so slim Heath Bell and the less experienced David Hernandez are the prime candidates for the job. One will be a good pick up and could bolster your bullpen or be valuable trade bait.
(Ed: Not my proudest moment, but I always think of this when JJ Putz comes up)
Braves’ shortstop Andrelton Simmons has been shooting up the transaction trends after a big game on Monday. The 23 year old Simmons has steadily been raising his batting average over the last two weeks. Since being moved to the bottom half of the order, Simmons has found some pop; going deep twice on Monday. Simmons is still available in over 50% of leagues.
Another infielder who is catching fire this week is Jed Gyorko of San Diego. Eligible to play second and third, Gyorko has hit .333 over the last two weeks with 3 homers. His overall average is just .271 but he plays a hollow Marlins team and the Tampa Bay Rays this week.
I play Travis this week with his team I’mBackYouKnowItwhich is a reference to the fact that he’s a fantasy deadbeat, and was suspended (chose not to play) for a season. While he (maybe) eventually pays the Commish every season he’s a torturous fantasy prick, the kind no commish wants to deal with. It will take 200 text messages to get the money out of him in September. Sure he will occasionally glance at his team (hopefully more after his beloved Islanders are eliminated from the playoffs) but is never open to trades or improving his team. But eventually he will quit and everyone will hate him for keeping all-stars on his bench or DL who could greatly assist a competitive team. What really is the cherry on top is his braggart attitude towards being a fantasy twat-waffle.